My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English