Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
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How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
Hear me out: his and hers houses.