BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
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I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
Good boy 😂😂
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.