I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
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S/o to @funTweeters .
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
The French word for sex is croissant.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
Seas the day!!!!
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
uncle dave has been through hell
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.