*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
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Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.