3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
You Might Also Like
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
This took me a second..
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
Going to church you guys need anything
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
My ideal weight is five million dollars
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
*mops up wine with cat*
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?