Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
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[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
Ladies, why y’all do this?
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains