How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
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Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow