Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
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It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
Geez man, take it easy.
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
he chose this
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah