2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
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Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
Breaking news:
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble