When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
You Might Also Like
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
Double negatives are never not confusing.
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.