[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
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“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system