how do y’all walk in shallow water
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I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
checking out some reviews of my local library
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
Meow
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.