Bruh PLEASE
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rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
A farmer asked his neighbor
“I think my horse has what yours has. What did you give him when he was sick?”
“Castor oil”
The farmer bought castor oil and gave it to his horse
The next day
“Hey! I gave castor oil to my horse and it KILLED HIM!”“Killed mine too”
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10