Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
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If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
I’d … I’d rather not.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
Never forget.
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.