Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
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Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
Straight people are cancelled
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.