You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
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Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..