cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
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I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.