20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
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I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave