12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
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Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾♀️😂
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.