Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
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I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
just got my engagement photos
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
oh u like history? name everything that happened
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack