There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
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I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
Always…
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.