I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
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ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
[adds another nod to the conversation]
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
My background check bounced.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
Still laughing at this stupid meme
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean