[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
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me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*