I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
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Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
This why you should mind your business
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
There’s no “u” in narcissist
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
Finished stitching this today 😇
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up