[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
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american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
That was easy.
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that