When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
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Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
OH. COME. ON.
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
SPLOOT
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.