everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
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Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.