When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
You Might Also Like
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]