Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
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Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors