Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
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My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
Me :
All Day At Night
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts