Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
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HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
this independent good boy don’t need no human
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.