i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
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From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
That’s incredible! 👌
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
My purse is deeper than some people.
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel