I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
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The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
@ candidates for local office
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
Lol #dogsoftwitter