USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
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Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.