I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
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Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
Welcome to the stomach
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
I’m calling the cops.