I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
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JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
sry
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.