Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
You Might Also Like
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.