[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
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I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit