do u think theres a butter planet?
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So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
Sounds like a bargain
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate