Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
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My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
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Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”