George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
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ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
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