#Caturday
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I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
This guy’s not having it 😆
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
bad
worse
worst
worchester
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
Writing, She Murdered.
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “