Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
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*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
File under excellent bookstore names.
Bartenders are just boneless bars
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning