Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
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Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
Happy weekend !