Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
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*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
They must have gotten it to go.
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”