The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
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Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*