You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
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PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.