My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
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My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.