Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
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it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
Yeah. This was me today.
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.